Telluride Marshal’s Department

Nov. 1
THE ONLY SNOWCAPPED BOWL IN TELLURIDE: No way, the girls protested. We weren’t in the stall together doing coke! We were “just peein.” Together. That baggie in the trash isn’t ours! Will you take a drug test? cops asked. No, said a girl, she’d fail, because she’d inhaled a “snowcapped bowl” earlier in the day.

Nov. 2
UGH: Grrrr. Ex-b-f txt msgs g-f. WTF? G-f calls 5-0.
THE VANISHING:: A house for sale. An unlocked door. A giant 47-inch LCD TV. A break-in. A theft. A remote control left sitting on the coffee table means a mystery unsolved.

Nov. 3
BIKE: Stolen.

Nov. 5
BIKE: Stolen.

Nov. 6
MAY!!: Dude had major problems with this one Bro because Bro accused him of calling the police and getting him arrested over a fight with his girlfriend. Dude and Bro met at a bar to discuss things and snorted coke in the bathroom. Things got ugly. Dude pushed Bro and said he wasn’t a “narc.” Cops nailed ‘em. Dudes admitted alcohol and coke may — may!! — have played a part in their aggression.
WORLD’S MOST CONSIDERATE THIEF: He stole her Schwinn, but he left a Bruni road bike in its place.

Nov. 7
CARS: Collide.

Nov. 8
SLASHED: Tires.
DWAI: Man arrested for driving while ability impaired.

Nov. 9
DOGNAPPER: Former roommate liberates a dog from its owner, steals him from outside a bar, unties his leash, puts him in her car, and drives away — while intoxicated. In the end, she was taken to the human version of the pound. If justice prevails, she was be fed dog food.
THE VIRTUES OF SOLID SURFACES; Ah, cement. What a place for a dude to sleep! And dream! And drool! … at least until cops woke the punk, who didn’t know where he lived. Temporarily, he lived at the San Miguel County Jail, since he was violating a protection order.

Nov. 10
ALCOHOL-RELATED INCIDENT: A man downed a twack and began arguing with wife and friend alike. He told the fuzz: “We were arguing, but I’ve been through this before, so I left. I got mad and broke a chair, but I left, I know I’m going to jail.” Also, he punched his truck and maybe broke his pinky. He never hit his wife, though. She told the fuzz: “He knows not to hit me, we’ve been through this before. If he hit me again, I’ll hit him back and then you’ll be taking me!”

Nov. 11
ON VETERAN’S DAY: A man celebrated the sacrifices of military men and women by getting blitzed and stoned and annoying a bartender. Oh say can you see … As a cop approached, man says to his buddy, patriotically, “I’ve already smoked a bowl! Stop asking me in front of [that hardworking, patriotic cop]!” He was also honoring the veterans via trying to collect money. “That [patriotic American] is going to pay me.” Only he didn’t say “patriotic American.”
THE PRICE OF GLUE: In chalk, someone drew penises on the court house sidewalk and wrote “420” and “I suck dick for glue.” Thoughtful observers wondered why the young man didn’t simply purchase glue from the store. Is oral sex necessary? Maybe glue prices have escalated sharply. Similar writings were found on other buildings.
UNLOAD THE TRUCK: His unlocked truck was relieved of its valuables, including an iPod, fishing gear, and binoculars.

Nov. 12
DUI: To celebrate her new divorce, a woman drank and drove, thus commemorating a horrible mistake by committing a horrible mistake.

San Miguel Sheriff’s Office

Nov. 5
BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF: Somebody stole a check out of a checkbook.
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW’S IN TOWN?: Cow seen in the road in Norwood.

Nov. 6
DRIVE-BY HUNTING: Pull off the road. Pull out your gun. Fire. Run from cops.
SUE: A lawsuit-embroiled duo tangoed over trespassing.

Nov. 8
THE WOODS ARE LOVELY: Hunter didn’t come home on time. His daughter said “No worries. He’ll be back.” In a separate incident, search and rescue had to help a hiker who got cliffed out, in the dark, on Jud Wiebe.

Nov. 9
R.I.P.: Hunter found human bones in the west end of the Little Gypsum Valley. They turned out to belong to a 19-year-old who disappeared four years ago.
REALITY BITES: On the Wiebes, a dog chomped a dude’s calf.

Nov. 10
FERALITY BITES: In Hillside, another dog chowed on another human.
CONTROLLED BURN GETS OUT OF CONTROL: A grass fire spread to a shed in Redvale.

Nov. 11
HUNTING?: Shots fired. No reported casualties, to either man or beast.

Mountain Village Police Department

Nov. 5 - Nov. 11
ONE WEEK IN MV:
MV is a ghost town,
More ghostly than Rico,
As empty as Greenland,
And just as quiet.
But Rico will be lively
When they open the mine.
In MV, well, you might
As well hang up a “closed” sign.
Here’s the police log for
One whole week:
An employee got canned,
A vehicle booted,
One car warned for speeding,
Another rolled thru a stop.
A porcupine spotted,
A semi got lost.
And one person, who lives
Near the Telluride Apartments,
Had the notion that the
Place was too noisy,
And complained.
For this person, only
The grave could
be silent enough.
And maybe not then.

Editor’s note: Cop Shop is compiled from police reports provided to the Daily Planet by the hard-working men and women at the local law enforcement agencies. The reports were edited, and some were re-written in a (supposedly) humorous manner by Planet reporter Reilly Capps. For space reasons, not every incident that appears in the police reports appears in Cop Shop. Capps can be reached at 728-9788 x 11 or reilly@telluridenews.com.