Telluride Marshal’s Department

Feb. 1

AN OPEN AND SHUT CASE, JOHNSON: The trailer of a passing semi damaged a parked and unoccupied car. The streets were snowy, and cops blamed that.
‘THE HOUSE’ WASN’T SO SURE: Two tall, “very physically built” men ate and drank their fill, then decided that the meal was on the house, and snuck out.

Feb. 5

JUST IN FROM TENNESSEE, READY TO DO SOME STEALIN’: Three southern freeloaders loaded Lift 8 without lift tickets, and the liftie called security. Security chased them around like they was in an old James Bond film, and then found them on the street. Charges pressed.

Feb. 7

A FREE HOTEL: Some hobos snuck into an empty house and squatted for a few days, jettisoning beer cans in their wake.

Feb. 9

DUI: After speeding and weaving, the driver fessed up to his botch. “I had a couple of beers,” he said. When cops showed him his un-legal breathalyzer, he just said “wow.”

Feb. 10

LOST: Goggles.
SPUR SENDS CAR ROLLING: A car rolled, but there was only moderate damages and no real injuries.
DUI: A Chevy Blazer had one wheel was bent under, with sparks shooting out the bottom. Cops stopped him and spotted coke boogers. The driver said he didn’t know what had happened to his car or where he was going, but admitted that he had had “four or five beers but no more.” Cops figured out that he’d sideswiped a car, bending his wheel and sending those sparks flying. At the Marshal’s office, the guy started to sneeze uncontrollably, sneezing out coke boogs every time.

Feb. 12

DUI: The cop asked if the speeding, swerving driver had been drinking. “Nope, just one,” he said. Then he stumbled out of the car and blew a breathalyzer test that was two and a half times the legal limit.

Feb. 13

BIKE: Abandoned.

San Miguel Sheriff’s Office

Feb. 4

WELL, I DO DECLARE: Someone fainted in the Ski Ranches.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY: A Mountain Village woman was taken to the Telluride Medical Center, where she gave birth to a baby.

Feb. 5

FALSE: Carbon monoxide alarm.
HIT AND RUN: On Society Drive.
STRAY DOG: After the dog eluded capture, an attempt was made to contact the owner. It was determined that the wiley canine lived in the area. A neighbor stated that the dog usually returns home on its own.
THINK HIS PARENTS ARE A LITTLE OVERPROTECTIVE?: A deputy and EMTs responded to a juvenile epitaxial event (nosebleed). The bleeding was brought under control after treatment, and care was transferred to the Telluride Ambulance.

Feb. 6

SHE’LL NEVER WIN THE COVETED ‘BEST ATTENDANCE’ AWARD: A woman was arrested on a warrant for failure to appear.
RECCO: An avalanche buried a car, but no living, breathing things.
SUSPICIOUS HOW? BACKWARD? UPSIDE DOWN?: A deputy contacted a motorist sitting in their vehicle in a “suspicious manner.”

Feb. 7

AVALANCHE: Shuts down Ophir Road.
FALSE: Alarm.
ALARM: False.

Feb. 8

THERE’S A POWDER AREA RIGHT OVER THERE: Three Texas skiers were cited for reckless endangerment after they skied into the out-of-bounds area on Gold Hill. Their passes were yanked, too.
UNFAIR FIGHT: Plow and truck collision. Truck driver contuses head.
ASSAULT: A 53-year-old man was arrested for assault.
MIRACLE UNGULATE: Elk on road survives being hit by car.

Feb. 9

WILE E. COYOTE AIMS FOR THAT BIRD: Rocks falling on road.
AT A DRY CLEANING SHOP: After a customer brought in oily rags, they caught on fire and melted two washing machines.

Mountain Village Police Department

Feb. 1

DRUMROLL, PLEASE: A meat salesman plugged his portable freezers into an outlet in an apartment complex’s laundry facility.

Feb. 2

DUI: Person arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol.
FALSE: Alarm.
ALARM: False.
A CONFLICT ONLY COPS CAN SOLVE: One neighbor liked to party into the late night, the other liked sleep.

Feb. 3

REALLY, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS WARRANT. IT WAS AWESOME! OUTSTANDING!: Man arrested on an outstanding warrant.
NEAR DROWNING: A 1-year-old child nearly drowned, but ended up okay.
THE LAMEST GANG WAR EVER: A report of shots fired. Turned out it was a bb gun blastin.

Feb. 4

DUI: Arrest for driving under the influence of alcohol.
PAGING MR. POVICH, MR. MAURY POVICH: A woman reported being harassed by her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend.

Feb. 5

TWISTED METAL TANGO: Two car collision.

Feb. 6

GUI: Three people caught gondola-ing under the influence. 

Feb. 7

I KNOW, IT’S ONLY ROCK AND ROLL: Noise complaint against righteous headbanging rock stars.

Feb. 8

OH MY GOD! AN ACTUAL ALARM! GET MOVING QUICK!: Just kidding. It was a false alarm.
BEN BERNAKE IS RIGHT TO WORRY ABOUT INFLATIONARY PRESSURE: This tire went flat.

Feb. 9

PARTY SHUTTERED: Cops shut that thing down.
THEFT: Lots of people, this day, tried to sneak onto the lifts without paying. Telski and the cops didn’t let them.

Feb. 10

AND, FINALLY, AS A NICE END TO THE WEEK: False alarm.

Editor’s note: Cop Shop is compiled from police reports provided to the Daily Planet by the hard-working men and women at the local law enforcement agencies. The reports were edited, and some were re-written in a (supposedly) humorous manner by Planet reporter Reilly Capps. For space reasons, not every incident that appears in the police reports appears in Cop Shop. Capps can be reached at 728-9788 x 11 or reilly@telluridenews.com.