Telluride Marshal’s Department

Feb. 5
THE DIRTBAG COMETH: Somebody demonstrated their dirtbaggery by swiping a plastic baggie full of jewelry from a house.

Feb. 10
THE DESTROYER: An anti-social Shiva-wannabe broke the side mirror and the windshield wiper of a car.

Feb. 17
TIRED MUSCLES GO UNMASSAGED: Despite numerous interviews, cops couldn’t find a folding massage table stolen from a hotel.

Feb. 20
TOOL SWIPES TOOLS: After seven months spent at his regular home, a second-homeowner came back to find that the locker at the bottom of his condo complex had been burgled of all its (tool-related) contents.

Feb. 23
THIEF PARENT SHOWS KIDS HOW TO GROW UP TO BE THIEVES: Some 100 cm white, blue and red Atomics stolen from base of Lift 7.
(DRUNKEN) CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD: Cops encountered two beer-soaked partiers near a bar, who told them this tale: she spilled a little beer on him to tease him, and, to retaliate, he threw his beer in her face, but the glass slipped and cut her lip. She cried in pain and rushed outside. He followed, saw that she was hurt, and let her hit him repeatedly. Then he offered to pay her medical expenses for the stitches she needed.
WORK THE HEAVY BAG: A very punchable man said he was drinking at a friend’s house, when all of a sudden the friend started to punch him in the face for no reason. His “friends” said he was just a turd who wouldn’t leave the apartment when they asked him to.

Feb. 28
NO ROOM AT THE INN: A transient wastoid slept under the back stairway of an apartment complex.

Feb. 29
COUNTDOWN: Two vehicles, one crash, zero injuries.
BIKE: A black Cloud Nine bike was abandoned.
A NEW VOCABULARY: In a bar, a female patron beat up a female bartender by grabbing her hair and throwing her to the ground. Now she was in the middle of the bar, yelling obscenities at the bartender and the cops. (Below, those unprintable obscenities have been replaced with children’s toys.) She shrieked: “Playskool you, Dora the Explorer! You’re Cabbage Patch ugly! I’ll Muggle you up!” Then she saw the cop. “Hulk you, Tinky Winky!” she said, and tried to punch the cop in the face and kick him. He threw her out of the bar. “You’re an ugly Tigger, it’s just a bar fight,” she yelled. “Blues Clues you!” She continued to talk smack about the bartender: “Superball that Polly Pocket! I’ll Slinky her.” And, to the cop: “Bratz you, and get off me, Mother Hubbard! You are a piece of Pick Up Sticks!”

San Miguel Sheriff’s Office

Feb. 25
THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE: A man who, no doubt, has struggled to make much of an impression on society, failed even to show up to court. Cuffed.
ICE = SLICK: A vehicle slid off the road near Ames and was pulled out by a county snowplow.
THE PLUNGE: A pickup skated off Last Dollar Road, sledded down a hill and hit a tree.

Feb. 26
REVOKED!: A deputy arrested a man for driving under revocation.
WE’RE GOING TO NEW MEXICO: An allegedly reckless driver escaped across the county line.
WARM WINTERS MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS: A Telluride-area homeowner was upset about where the neighbor was piling snow.
BREAK OFF A PIECE: A driver hit a rock, which snapped off the front wheel.

Feb. 27
THE YOUTH TODAY: A High School student left the scene of the accident.
HELITRAX SOLVES MYSTERY: An area resident, coming over Lizard Head Pass, noticed an avalanche chute with what appeared to be fresh debris in it, and then noticed snowshoe tracks heading in that direction from the parking area at the top of the pass, and finally a truck parked unattended in the lot. Thinking the three might be related, he contacted the Sheriff’s Office. A Deputy attempted to determine whether the three sightings were, in fact, related. This attempt was inconclusive. A pilot for Telluride Helitrax happened to be in the area, and made an offer to fly the area in an attempt to determine what had occurred. The pilot’s report was that the tracks went nowhere near the avalanche debris, and vice-versa.
BUTCH CASSIDY HE AIN’T: A juvenile was sent to juvenile diversion after he got caught stealing money from the Norwood High School.
WE WAS RIGHT BLOODY NICKED, GOV’NOR: Visitors from London (that’s in England) reported the theft of a camera bag containing approximately $3,900 worth of camera equipment taken from inside another bag, possibly in the Montrose airport.

Feb. 28
LONG GETAWAY SKI: Somehow, some skis were stolen from Giuseppe’s.

Feb. 29
THEY REALLY ARE VERY GOOD WARRANTS: Two people were arrested on outstanding warrants.
GAS: Cops and firefighters responded to a gas leak.
THE ROCKY BALBOA OF UNGULATES: A deer recovered from getting grille’d, and left under its own power.
THE FIRE NEXT TIME SHOULD BE CONTAINED: A bonfire of burning tires and wood at a residence within the city limits of Norwood was snuffed. Open fires are not allowed within the city limits of Norwood without permission of the Fire Chief.

Mountain Village Police Department

Feb. 25 - March 2
EH…: Really, not a whole lot.

Editor’s note: Cop Shop is compiled from police reports provided to the Daily Planet by the hard-working men and women at the local law enforcement agencies. The reports were edited, and some were re-written in a (supposedly) humorous manner by Planet reporter Reilly Capps. For space reasons, not every incident that appears in the police reports appears in Cop Shop. Capps can be reached at 728-9788 x 11 or reilly@telluridenews.com.