Telluride Marshal’s Department

Jan. 26
ANOTHER REASON NOT TO TAKE THE SATs: While taking the standardized test, a high school kid’s wallet was either lost or stolen.

Feb. 29
THE SYSTEM WORKS: Man finds bike. Keeps for self.

March 10
TRASH: Jeep and trash truck tangle. Jeep loses.

March 19
THE B-WORD, APPARENTLY, IS OKAY TO SAY AROUND KIDS: Highly protective of their trash receptacles, two neighbors battled over a dumpster. Also, the one neighbor’s adorable pup was dropping stink bombs on the other’s lawn. Also, that one neighbor was a drug dealer (supposedly). The arguments erupted one night outside a local bar, as arguments will, and ended with crying and accusations, as arguments do. (Beer’s a top-notch argument enhancer.) The argument continued to the neighborhood at a later date, with a neighbor encouraging the other to engage in sexual intercourse with himself, and the other responding by encouraging the neighbor to “watch what you say around my kids, b-word.” Only he didn’t say “b-word”.

March 21
NO, IT WASN’T CARRIE UNDERWOOD: Tire slashed. Angry ex-girlfriend
admits to it, agrees to pay for damages.

March 24
YES, MARIJUANA SHOULD BE LEGAL. BUT, YES, IT CAN MAKE YOU LAZY: While booking a dude for failure to appear, cops found less than an ounce of marijuana in his pocket.

March 31
MINOR (AS IN UN-SERIOUS, NOT UNDERAGE): Minor traffic incident.

April 1
COPS GAVE IT A GOOD HOME: Bike left alone stays there for, like, ever.

April 2
COLLISION COURSE: Truck vs. vehicle.
DUI: Driver to fuzz on the side of the road: “I’ll be honest with you, man, I had three pretty stout drinks.” He also admitted that he wished someone else would drive him home, and that he would actually “prefer it.” Hm. Very noble. Very sensible. Very … jailed. For driving under the influence of alcohol.

April 3
ALL’S WELL…: A Velcro wallet was mailed to its rightful owner.

April 4
WORLD’S EASIEST MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTION: A jacket went missing at a local drinking establishment. Cops found the jacket in the trashcan in the alley behind the bar, still containing all the owner’s personal items — except one. Can you guess which one? Was it a) her driver’s license, b) her ski pass, c) her sunglass, or d) a wad of five $20 bills? The answer, of course, was d).
KRAMER V. KRAMER IN THE STREETS: A woman yelled at her soon-to-be-ex-husband in public, in front of the kids.

April 6
A SAD SCENE: A drunken fight between husband and wife ended with her fleeing, barefoot, out of the house and running over the cold snow to a friend’s house, where cops found her with a swollen eye and a swollen, bleeding bottom lip. The husband was arrested for assault and domestic violence.
ANOTHER ADDRESS, ANOTHER SAD SCENE: On the street, a witness saw a man hitting a woman. Cops arrived to find her red-faced and crying and smelling of alcohol. Her house was a mess, with ripped clothes and pictures and a shattered TV and a broken laptop. There was blood on the floor. She told a terrible story: her husband came home mad. He put his hands around her neck and slammed her head against the wall. He broke her phone, because he thought she was having an affair and was calling her lover on the phone. Cops jailed him for domestic violence.

April 7
RIGHT INTO THE LION’S DEN: A wild man in a Subaru passed four cars on the Spur, revving it to about 20 mph over the speed limit. A witness called the cops. Fortuitously for the cops (and un-fortuitously for him), he came into the Marshal’s office that same day to pay a parking ticket and was slapped with a reckless driving charge.

April 8
SHE WAS ONLY GOING 4 MPH: A woman stopped to get out to open a garage door — but her foot slipped off the brake and she rammed it. Lacking insurance, she didn’t stop. Cops tracked the paint to her SUV, and she tearfully admitted her mistake.
DYNASTAR, LITTLE BIG FAT, 178 CM: A man found skis sticking out of the river bank.
BIKE TRASHED: A bicycle found near the dumpster was declared abandoned.

April 11
PEEPING TOM: A girl came out of the shower and noticed a peeping tom laying in a snowbank, looking through the window. The demi-nude woman called her roommate, who yelled the man into getting up and scooting. Cops couldn’t track him down, even with all his funk and footprints leaving a trail for awhile.

April 14
WAS KEITH RICHARDS IN TOWN?: In a building in town, a maintenance man found a syringe and a silver spoon. The spoon had traces of cocaine.

San Miguel Sheriff’s Office

April 7
DUI: Deputies arrested a 30-year-old Rico man for driving with excessive alcohol.
THE GHOST CAR: A deputy assisted the Mountain Village Police Department with a search for a vehicle that left the scene of an accident in the town of Mountain Village. The deputy was unable to locate the vehicle in question.
WINNING LOTTERIES WITHOUT ENTERING: Lawson Hill residents reported receiving a letter with a check for almost $4,000 as partial pre-payment of the taxes they had allegedly incurred when they won the Trans-State Lotto, out of Canada, recently. A little investigation revealed the check to be fraudulent. The mailing is being turned over to the postal authorities.

April 8
AMBULANCE: A deputy assisted the Norwood Ambulance with a medical call in the town of Norwood.
I HAVEN’T FALLEN, AND I CAN STILL GET UP: After receiving a 911 hang up from a Wrights Mesa residence, a deputy verified that it was a Medical Alert button that was accidentally activated.

April 9
HOW GULLIBLE DO THEY THINK WE ARE?: A Norwood area resident reported receiving a letter advising millions of dollars available to her upon the completion of certain bookkeeping tasks — now that her long-lost, unknown relative had died somewhere in the world.
MORE APRIL FOOL’S SHENANIGANS: The Sheriff's Office received reports of possible endangerment occurring on a ski area lift in protest against Telski CEO Dave Riley during the last week of the ski season. Investigation revealed that a third-year lift-op employee had subjected Lift 6 to a temporary stoppage when she quit her job and abandoned her post on April 1. No skiers were endangered, and no crime is thought to have been committed.
TAKE IT UP WITH THE JUDGE: Deputy took a report of a possible fraud case. After speaking to the complainants it was determined the issue was a business investment gone bad. The complainants were told the issue was going to be a civil matter and to contact their attorneys.

April 10
AT LEAST THEY DIDN’T ESCAPE INTO MEXICO: Deputy was informed of a reckless driver. It was determined the vehicle was out of the area so the Telluride Marshal's Department was notified.
SLIP SLIDING AWAY: Deputy assisted the state patrol in providing traffic control for a vehicle that had slid off the road on Lawson Hill, and a deputy checked on a vehicle that appeared to be having difficulty traveling up Fox Farm Road. After contacting the driver it was determined that he did not need any assistance.
LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR: While driving to work a deputy came upon a crash involving two vehicles in Ouray County. Nobody was hurt and the deputy remained on the scene for the safety of the motorists until the Colorado State Patrol could respond.
HIT AND RUN: Deputies responded to a reported assault in the Ski Ranches. The suspect fled and is being sought. The victim was not injured enough to require medical attention.

April 11
LIKE CELL PHONE MINUTES, CARS CAN ROLL OVER, TOO: A deputy responded to a single vehicle roll-over crash near Sawpit. The driver was injured and transported to the Telluride Medical Center.
I’M BETTING ON THE MOUNTAIN: A deputy responded to a report of a crash, vehicle versus mountain, near Sawpit. The vehicle was gone when the deputy arrived at the location.
GOING TO THE DOGS: There was a brown husky with a yellow collar that was in the road. A passing motorist stopped and guided the dog out of the road and called for help. The dog ran back across the road and was not taken into custody at that time. Contact the Telluride Marshal's Office with any questions regarding this animal.
FALLING FLAT: A deputy stopped to assist a motorist who had a flat tire.
THEFT … OR NOT: Deputy took a theft report from a county resident. Shortly thereafter it was discovered someone had permission to take the item.

April 12
HELP IS ON THE WAY: A deputy responded to a medical call near Telluride and assisted medical personnel.
THERE WERE NO INJURIES: A deputy responded to a single vehicle roll-over on Highway 145 near Trout Lake. 

Mountain Village Police Department

April 6
SPEED RACER: Doing radar on the boulevard, the five-0 warned two divers they was going crazy fast.
COULD IT HAVE BEEN A DIESEL LEAKAGE?: Report of a strange odor coming from waterway.
BEHIND DOOR NUMBER TWO…: A drunk tried to find his friends, but ended up banging loudly on a door that wasn’t the right door.

April 7
THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW: After colliding with a car and running, the offender was tracked down in Ridgway and taken to the community corrections facility, i.e., jail.

April 8
DIAL 9 FOR AN OUTSIDE LINE: This place has a phone system where you have to dial nine to get out. Naturally, someone accidentally dialed two ones after that, and the fuzz got summoned.

April 9
HEY, BUDDY, WHERE’S THE FIRE: Seriously. This time, it’s just a warning. But if I catch you again…

April 10
STINKS: Skunk trapped at construction site.
SLEDNECKS: Snowmobile on the golf course.
STILL WAITING FOR A REAL ALARM: More false alarms.

April 11
‘TIS THE SEASON: San Joaquin area overrun by sleds.
YOU CAN’T HAVE DOGS AT CONSTRUCTION SITES?: Nope. You can’t have dogs at construction sites.
MIA: A rider reported leaving his bike in the trees after getting a flat tire and now he can’t find it.

April 12
FALSE: Alarm.

April 13
FALSE: Alarm, at the same residence at the same time of day as the day before.

Editor’s note: Cop Shop is compiled from police reports provided to the Daily Planet by the hard-working men and women at the local law enforcement agencies. The reports were edited, and some were re-written in a (supposedly) humorous manner by Planet reporters Reilly Capps and Patrick Healy. For space reasons, not every incident that appears in the police reports appears in Cop Shop. Capps can be reached at 728-9788 x 11 or reilly@telluridenews.com.