Telluride Marshal’s Department

Jan. 7
HIT: And drive away.

Jan. 8
CRU-UNCH: Tow truck backs into a car. Cop sees it happen, hears the crunch.

Jan. 10
MEANEST WHITE DOG IN TOWN?: A Jack Russell attacked a bulldog, then the owner of the bulldog, breaking the skin on the owner’s knee. Worse, the Jack Russell’s rabies shots had expired. Owner was ticketed for “vicious behavior” and “unvaccinated dog” and given the bill for a doctor’s visit and ripped pants.

Jan. 17
BIKE STOLEN: Bike was owned by the town. Is now owned by private party.

Jan. 27
HIT AND RUN: A man backed into another car and then grabbed a witness by the neck. He said he was just grabbing the man’s lapel. But still.

Jan. 29
ICY ROADS: Collision.

Jan. 30
JUST YOUR AVERAGE LETTER TO THE EDITOR: A man who runs a local publication got a letter with the return address “Green River Victims, Body Part Stash Mine.” It was a typewritten rant alluding to various serial killers and famous figures, as well as to friends of Bill and Hillary Clinton who have died.
COLLISIONS: Cars in a parking lot played bumper cars. And, on the Spur, an accident was harsh enough that all the airbags shot out — side and front — but no one got hurt.
A NICE, FRIENDLY ARREST: Cops let the man put on shoes and a coat, turn off the TV and lock the front door, then took him to the San Miguel County Jail. He had friendly warrant out of Eagle County for an unfriendly “contempt of court.”

Feb. 1
THE COP REPORT DID NOT EXPLAIN HOW THIS IS POSSIBLE: An unoccupied truck hit a parked SUV.
HE’S NOT THE FASTEST KID ALIVE: Cop sees a guy drawing graffiti on a building. Cop gets out of his car. “You better not run!” he says. The guy runs anyway. He runs down an alley, then slips on the ice and falls to the ground. Cop nabs him. “God, that was so stupid!” the guy admits. Everyone agrees.
DWAI: A man drove double the speed limit. He blew between a .05 and .08 on the breathalyzer, which is driving while ability impaired.

Feb. 2
CATCH AND RELEASE: They brought him to jail, but the man was just under the legal limit, blowing a .049. Cops let him go.

Feb. 3
DUI: Seemed like the driver was driving into snow piles on purpose. One reason: he had “had a few,” he admitted. But he didn’t want to take the roadside test because he had some place to be. In the end, that place turned out to be a concrete cell in Ilium Valley.
DUI: A car almost head-on’d a cop car, so they stopped him. In a British accent, he admitted to having three beers, then “four or five.” He didn’t want to take a breathalyzer, cause it was redundant. “You got me,” he said, “you already know you [very bad word] got me.”
ICE CAPADES: The snowy road sent her car sliding sideways into the bus stop booth.

Feb. 5
THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU: A 45-year-old man, stocky and clean-shaven and worthless, sat at a diner. The waitress served him a sandwich and coffee. He ate by himself. When the waitress came back to check on him and give him the check, he was gone.

San Miguel Sheriff’s Office

Jan. 28
MINI-MIRACLE: Despite rolling their car, no one was hurt.
‘COYOTES’ IS AN EXCELLENT BOOK BY TED CONOVER: But this coyote was injured and was put down.
‘SNOW JOKE: About a foot of unplowed snow on the road caused carnage: a semi made it halfway up Norwood Hill and no farther; a car trying to pass it got snow-stuck; folks left their truck in a snow drift; and a snowplow trying to go around them got stuck right in an avalanche path. Plus a person went missing while hiking, but was okay.

Jan. 29
HE CLAIMED IT WAS A MIX-UP: Instead of using the blank check to buy spices for a marinade, he filled it out for $17,000.
TROUT LAKE: Car stuck.
PRISONER: Transported to court.
GAS SKIP: Man fills his car with gas, drives off, but cops know who he is.
CHILD ABUSE: Suspected child abuse in Montrose County.

Jan. 30
THEFT: Thieving thieves thieve $300 from non-thieving business owner. These thieving thieves’ IDs unknown.

Jan. 31
ROLO: A car rolled over.
ON THE NATIONAL NEWS, THEY REPORTED THAT ‘SNOWFALL HAS BEEN SO HEAVY THAT SOME WESTERN STATES HAVE RESORTED TO USING EXPLOSIVES TO CONTROL AVALANCHES’: Like near Ilium valley, where explosions someone heard were probably avalanche control work.
HEAD-ON COLLISION: Low speed, no one got hurt.
FRAUD: A man bought stuff online, and got the shaft. Stuff never arrived.
TO THE DOGS: A 19-year-old dude’s dog has attacked a neighbor’s dog twice in three weeks. The neighbor got the dog off him by kicking the thing.

Feb. 1
ICY ROAD: Only Michelle Kwan could have negotiated those streets. This driver slammed into an embankment.

Feb. 3
IF YOU WANT TO BEND THE SPOON, THE FIRST THING YOU HAVE TO REALIZE IS THAT THERE IS NO SPOON: A burglar alarm went off. There was no burglar.
DUI: A 20-year-old man was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol.
GET THE DRIFT: A driver slid into a snowdrift.

Mountain Village Police Department

Jan. 28
COPS GAVE THEM A RIDE: Two females got stranded when they missed the last gondola.
CAP CAMPING: Allowed in camp grounds; but frowned on in parking lots.
TAKE YOUR CREATIVITY ELSEWHERE: Vandals/losers painted a marble and sandstone countertop — out of spite.
REDISTRIBUTION OF WEALTH: Teenagers five-finger discounted some items.
FALSE ALARM: Everyone can relax.

Jan. 29
THE RESULT OF OXYGEN DEPRIVATION: Altitude sickness.
SMELL OF SMOKE: Cops discovered a barbeque that had been grilling two steaks for 24 hours.

Jan. 30
NOISE COMPLAINT: I know it’s only rock and roll, but it’s annoying me and I want it to stop.

Jan. 31
FALSE ALARM: For a second there, I thought it was real.
DISORDERLY CONDUCT: Man cited.
HARASSING PHONE CALLS: Recipient did not care for them.

Feb. 2
DUI: On Adams Ranch Road, a driver drove intoxicatedly.
 A SYMBOL OF THE DIRECTION OF THE COUNTRY: A vehicle was overweight. Just like 30 percent of the country.

Feb. 3
VEHICLE BROKEN INTO: Things stolen.
A 1 YEAR OLD NEARLY DROWNED: Cops helped get the child to an ambulance.
SHOTS FIRED: Report of gunshots at Big Billies. Turned out it was a bb gun fired at a pop can.

Editor’s note: Cop Shop is compiled from police reports provided to the Daily Planet by the hard-working men and women at the local law enforcement agencies. The reports were edited, and some were re-written in a (supposedly) humorous manner by Planet reporter Reilly Capps. For space reasons, not every incident that appears in the police reports appears in Cop Shop. Capps can be reached at 728-9788 x 11 or reilly@telluridenews.com.