Telluride Marshal’s Department

April 27
HUNGRY BEAR SEASON: Something — could have been a bear — pushed through the man’s front window but didn’t steal anything. The owner cut his arm on broken glass and needed six stitches.
VISCOUS DOG SEASON: A 3-year-old and a 7-year-old girl were in their yard playing when a dog arrived and snarled at them, looking like he wanted blood. The 7-year-old grabbed the 3-year-old to protect her, screamed, and mom scared Cujo away.

April 28
DUI: The roundabout was obviously too much for this driver, on account of the fact that it requires constant left turning and on account of the fact that he was driving drunk. He hit a curb. He denied drinking, then admitted to the old standby-lie of “two beers,” then was found a liar by the breathalyzer machine.

San Miguel Sheriff’s Office

April 21
DUI: A 48-year-old Norwood man downed fermented grains/fruits, then drove. He was taken to the jail, where he was allowed to continue his aging process.

April 22
WARM AND FUZZ-Y: A Telluride deputy marshal was out of contact for a bit, and other cops came to his aide to find him. They located him a-okay, Code 4, and cop-tacular.
WINDS PUSH FIRE IN UNINTENDED DIRECTIONS: Like Hannibal Lecter and inflation, fire can get out of control real fast.
NOT A CRIME: An aging door handle broke off when a customer pulled it.
April 23
OMG! I’M A TOTAL THIEF!: Verifiable brats stole a girl’s cell phone.

April 24
NOT THE GOOD KIND OF FAMOUS: During a  traffic stop, cops clocked the dude as the type of person who needed a mandatory 30 day vacation in Ilium valley. (Outstanding warrants said so.)
FORREST FIRE: A fire on Old Elam Ranch Road burned down a yurt, and the nice couple was left without even socks to put on their feet.

April 25
HOMER’S HEART’S BROKEN: A 30 foot, partly-blue extension ladder was removed from a job site.  Name “Simpson” printed on it with black magic marker.
THE COPS GOT INVOLVED: Two people in Placerville forgot Jesus’ injunction to “love thy neighbor as thyself”.

April 26
FED CHAIR — ‘PUPPY RESERVES AT AN ALL TIME HIGH’: A man was selling puppies on the side of Highway 145 near Society Drive. After speaking with the guy, cops determined that everything was ok and the man continued doing what he was doing, which was selling puppies on the side of the highway.

April 26
EXCEPT THE EARTH’S DWINDLING SUPPLY OF TOP SOIL…: A mud slide/rock slide damaged nothing.
A DIPWAD’S NATURAL ENVIRONMENT IS THE LOCAL JAIL: This local was involved in a drunken altercation. He drove off, and was later spotted stalking around with what looked like a gun. It turned out to be a paintball gun, which can’t really hurt people, but he had driven drunk, which can. Incarceration followed.

April 27
FRIENDSHIP TESTED: An acquaintance stayed at his house uninvited and was trashing the place.
SOME BAD PASSES: “Are you from Tennessee? Cause you’re the only ten I see.” “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” “Is that a mirror in your trousers? Cause I can see myself in your pants.” And this one driver who made a bad pass on the highway.

Editor’s note: Cop Shop is compiled from police reports provided to the Daily Planet by the hard-working men and women at the local law enforcement agencies. The reports were edited, and some were re-written in a (supposedly) humorous manner by Planet reporter Reilly Capps. For space reasons, not every incident that appears in the police reports appears in Cop Shop. Capps can be reached at 728-9788 x 11 or reilly@telluridenews.com.