Telluride Marshal’s Department

Dec. 22
VISA GIFT CARD, ALREADY A RIP OFF, GETS RIPPED OFF: A package of Christmas presents was stolen from a doorstep. Included with candy and cookies was a $300 Visa gift card, which is a sucker deal. Visa charges for each card, then charges a monthly fee, and they often don’t work, so the dad would have been better off sending a check. The second rip off artist (the thief) used the gift card to buy goggles and clothes. Employees said he was a thin white male, 5-foot-10 with blond scruffy hair. And new goggles.

Dec. 28
GOOD FENCES MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS: A damaged bumper was blamed on a neighbor. The neighbor denied the dent, likely causing a rift on that street.

Jan. 11
OUT IN THE COLD: Not satisfied with her own love life, a boyfriend’s ex pushed the new girlfriend into a snowbank. The ex told cops that the boyfriend had earlier hit her, but was evidence-poor.
ENTROPY RULES: Society continued to break down as a man’s coat with a wallet and a cell phone was taken from a local bar.

Jan. 14
NO GOOD DEED...: As he was trying to close, a group of 60 people convinced a bartender to stay open, which he did, and the group repaid the favor by trashing the joint and stealing flowers and a blanket.
DUMB IS AS DUMB DOES; There are charges that can be filed for throwing an iceball at a van, the fuzz warned the teenager. “It was a dumb thing to do,” the kid admits.

Jan. 16
OF-FENSE: Fence vs. car.

Jan. 18
THE THIN BLUE ALARM CLOCK: A transient found some rest in a stairwell until cops roused him with a citation.

Jan. 19
DUI: He said he’d had one beer. Then he said he’d had, like, a few beers. A breath test confirmed the latter statement.

Jan. 20
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE: A driver recited the alphabet “t, u, v, w, m, y, z.” Cops assigned her three new letters: “d, u, i.”

San Miguel County Sheriff

Jan. 15
THE TABLES HAVE TURNED: After years of inflicting pain and death on lesser animals, a coyote was found in distress, learning a lesson in humility and hubris.
SCAM: Real estate scams exist. If you’re paying a lot — say, $13,000 per square foot — make sure it’s legit.

Jan. 17
THE TORCH HAS BEEN PASSED: A kid skied into an 80-year-old Atlantan near the base of Lift 5, and the fall dislocated the man’s right shoulder. He knew it was all an accident.

Jan. 20
DV: Deputies are investigating domestic violence.

Mountain Village Police Department

Jan. 13
NO MORE WARNINGS: Tickets given out for speeding.

Jan. 14
THE MIRACLE OF LIFE: Recreating a scene from “Juno,” cops helped transport an 18-year-old to the clinic to have her baby.
IMMOBILIZATION: Two cars booted.
DRUGS: A controlled substance became uncontrolled when it found its way onto the floor of a gondola station. Cops brought the situation back under control, and booked the scary stuff into evidence. Rest easy, America. It will soon be destroyed.

Jan. 15
WHERE NOBODY’S THERE TO KNOW YOUR NAME: An empty bar closed for the night.

Jan. 17
VACANCY: Beeping noise coming from building. No one was in the building to check on the beep.

Jan. 18
SHE WILL LATER TEACH FINGERPAINTING: Person fingerprinted for childcare.
IT FELL OFF THE BACK OF A TRUCK: Guy tried to sell a nice snowboard for $20. Cops suspect it might be stolen.
THE PUNCHEE HAS BECOME THE PUNCHER: A drunk man was bleeding under the Gondola, claiming to the be the victim of an assault. While searching for his assailants it was determined that the subject was the assailant.

Editor’s note: Cop Shop is compiled from police reports provided to the Daily Planet by the hard-working men and women at the local law enforcement agencies. The reports were edited, and some were re-written in a (supposedly) humorous manner by Planet reporter Reilly Capps. For space reasons, not every incident that appears in the police reports appears in Cop Shop. Capps can be reached at 728-9788 x 11 or reilly@telluridenews.com.