Telluride Marshal’s Department

Dec. 28
HE REMAINS FREE TO ILLEGALLY PARK: A determined scofflaw took a hacksaw to the boot that had been placed on his car’s wheels.
HOW WILL WE GO ON?: One of those high-tech, expensive, omnipresent, never-used not-even-once defibrillators that are located on random buildings around town was stolen. Now that it’s been stolen, it will continue to never be used.
INTO THE WILD: A confused dude fueled his confusion with suds and ended up walking down the river trail in the opposite direction of his hotel. Not sure why. He dialed 911, baffled and cold, and a friendly policeman found him and tucked him in for the night.

Dec. 29
ABANDONMENT ISSUES: A teal Roadmaster Mt. Fury bike was abandoned at a grocery store. It will likely need therapy.
AMERICA’S WASTEFUL HABITS HAVE WIDESPREAD CONSEQUENCES: Trash truck nicks a car.

Dec. 30
SOME PEOPLE JUST HAVE DICE: Miraculously and mysteriously, a camera was found hanging from the rearview mirror of a car.
THE HOUNDS OF HADES: The victim will admit she is not a big fan of dogs, but also that the dog didn’t quite bite her. Just scared her.
HIPPIES PROTECTED: Cops find a dude licking pavement, his face rearranged and bloody. The crowd says he deserved his beating, that he’s a bully. A witness with bloody knuckles, assuming the cop has a sub-zero IQ, swears he never punched nobody. But the fight was recorded on somebody’s camera, so bloody knuckles admits to doing him. But he justifies it. “[Bloody face pavement licker] was just walking down the street and trying to start fights,” he says. “Did they get that on video, when he was pushing hippie kids around?” Bloody knuckles was arrested for assault, but also earned cool points from hippie lovers everywhere.
THE COMPUTER IS IMPERSONAL AGAIN: Laptop taken from bar.

Dec. 31
WHEN PUSH COMES TO LOVE: Mix illegal parking, shouting, cursing, cell phones and insults, and you get pushing and police calls. Who pushed first is anybody’s guess.
SNOWBOARD STOLEN: Snow goes unshredded.
SEMI HITS TRAILER: Or, stated another way, semi-trailer semi-hits trailer.
IT READ “STL ME PLZ”: License plate stolen.

Jan. 2
CUTE AND CUDDLY HOUND: So a dog’s threatening to bite people outside a store. So the store owners call the cops. So the cops come and impound the dog. So the owner gets mad at the store and the cops. So he walks into the store yelling at the customers that they shouldn’t shop there because the store owners are “animal abusers.” And he tells the cop that he will “see him in court” and that he’s “going down.” All for hinting that a rottweiler might have an uneven disposition.
THERE’S GANJA IN THEM THERE STREETS: A small baggie of the sticky icky was left on a open stairwell.

Jan. 3
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?: Locked bike stolen.

Jan. 5
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: It’s a sad state of affairs in this relationship: he hurts her, screams at her, bruises her neck, then convinces her to lie when cops came. “We were just yelling,” said the bruised woman. “He didn’t do anything wrong,” she said. “If you have to take somebody, take me,” she pleaded.
TELLURIDE SATURDAY NIGHT: A fella can’t go to the bar without being armed with a knife anymore, can he?
POOR AUSSIE: She lost her wallet, which had a New Zealand driver’s license, a bank of New Zealand card, and an ID card from a university in New Zealand.

Jan. 7
GRAND DAYS FOR THE TOW TRUCK COMPANIES: Vehicle in a ditch. Concerted pulling brought it back to pavement.

Jan. 10
MISSING PEEPS: A backpack left in gondola station contained an avalanche beacon. The beacon wasn’t turned on, otherwise they could have used an avy beacon to find it.

Jan. 11
BIG DEAL: Small car accident.
RECHARGED: Somebody stole a battery off a cell phone.
MY IDEA OF FUN: College kids on a jaunt here flipped over the furniture, packed snow in the corners, and sprayed water everywhere. They claimed their destruction was just good fun.

Jan. 13
ARMED TO THE TEETH: Despite being asked, a woman refused to leave a hotel. When she refused and refused and refused cops arrested her for criminal trespass and, when they checked her into jail, found a fully loaded .357 magnum in her purse.

Jan. 14
BAD COMBO: The tow truck driver jacked up the car — in two senses. He lifted it off the ground and caused $500 in damage.
San Miguel Sheriff’s Office

Jan. 7
SLICKER ‘N SNOT: A sadly unprepared vehicle couldn’t make it up Keystone.
PROPER PERSPECTIVE: Imagine how excited the ancients would be at the concept of flight. Soaring through clouds, defying gravity. And yet this doofus at the airport gets mad ‘cause his flight is a few minutes late.

Jan. 8
A CLOSE CALL: A rollover accident killed nobody.

Jan. 9
UNDERSTANDABLE MISTAKE, GIVEN THAT HIS DOG WAS NAMED “HELP ME SOMEBODY PLEASE”: A concerned citizen called the cops worried that a guy somewhere in the distance was yelling for help on a cold mesa night. Turned out he was just yelling for his dog to come.
FUTURE OF HAMBURGER JOINTS IN JEOPARDY: A cowpoke poked around the river looking for lost heifers.

Jan. 10
HEY, DID YOU KIDS SEE THE VIDEO OF THE SNOWSLIDE IN THAT AREA? IT’S AT TELLURIDENEWS.COM. IT’S REALLY FUNNY. IT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU: Two esteemed visitors from Iowa, land of the esteemed and not-at-all-ridiculous Iowa caucus, ducked the rope at the top of Gold Hill One, the avalanche-prone slope off of which our esteemed visitors keep tumbling. They weren’t charged with a crime, but the ski resort left them passless.
TAKING IT TO THE SOURCE: Angry about the way the roads were being plowed, he marched into the snow plower’s house and started yelling.
Jan. 13
CAUGHT BY HER OWN BAD DRIVING: A woman was driving with fake places and without insurance and she slid off the road.
REALLY. THE VIDEO IS AT TELLURIDENEWS.COM. THE KID FLIES OFF A FREAKING CLIFF BAND: A skier was citied for reckless endangerment under the skier safety act for skiing on the closed part of Gold Hill.
PIT BULL — ANOTHER LOVELY DOG: The pooch pounded onto another dog’s property and fought.

Mountain Village Police Department

Jan. 5
WHEN BABE RUTH WAS TOLD HE WAS DRIVING ON A ONE-WAY STREET, HE REPLIED “BUT I’M ONLY DRIVING ONE WAY!”: This guy was, too. But he didn’t say anything witty.
AT LARGE: Dog scampered near Lift 10.
ICE CAPADES: Cars slid off roads all over MV.

Jan. 6
SOCIAL CONTRACT BROKEN: Ski lockers burgled.

Jan. 9
FLAW IN THE SYSTEM: One problem with 911 is that, on many phones, you have to dial 9 to get an outside line, then 1 to dial long distance. So if you accidentally hit that 1 a second time, the cops come running, and it’s embarrassment all around.

Jan. 10
YOU GOTTA FIGHT…: Another party in MV shut down by peacemaking peaceloving party-wary cops.
ANOTHER SMALL SKIRMISH IN THE ENDLESS “WAR ON CLEAR PLASTIC BAGGIES AND GLASS JARS FILLED WITH WEIRD STUFF”: Cops didn’t know exactly what kind of drugs the guy had, but they were sure they were drugs. Elsewhere, cops knew exactly what they had: a “big bud in a small jelly jar.”

Jan. 11
BUT WHO WILL SECURE THE SECURITY?: In an embarrassing occurrence, a security officer’s jacket was jacked.
STOLEN: Skis.

Jan. 12
IN NEED OF A CHARGE: A woman in the above-mentioned cell phone battery stealing case in Telluride got so upset about it she started yelling and the cops came to her house in Mountain Village.
GUESTING IS AN ART: Four of the five women in the apartment felt the guy had overstayed his welcome. He swore he’d be gone by 7 a.m.

Jan. 13
PRIME SUSPECT — THE ONE-ARMED MAN AND HIS BUDDY: Three ski poles stolen from a garage. That’s right. Three.

Editor’s note: Cop Shop is compiled from police reports provided to the Daily Planet by the hard-working men and women at the local law enforcement agencies. The reports were edited, and some were re-written in a (supposedly) humorous manner by Planet reporter Reilly Capps. For space reasons, not every incident that appears in the police reports appears in Cop Shop. Capps can be reached at 728-9788 x 11 or reilly@telluridenews.com.