Telluride Marshal’s Department

Feb. 19
MUSIC CAN TAKE YOU ANYWHERE: This morning, a woman prepared for work by blaring music at a Space Shuttle-launch volume, bringing cops bearing citations.

Feb. 20
NOT ONLY DOES IT DAMAGE TEETH AND KIDNEYS...: But a truck carrying Coca Cola knocked over a street light. Not that we’re blaming the Coke. It was the ice.

Feb. 21
IT’S NOT THE SLIDE, IT’S THE OVERCORRECTION: A Subaru — despite its all-time, all-wheel drive and exquisite mountain handling — slid off the side of the Spur. The driver overcorrected into the middle of the road and slammed into a fire district truck. Both drivers suffered minor injuries.
A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: A man, we’ll call him Mr. Bloody Face Shouting Hand Waver, was living up to his name late this night in the living room of an apartment where no one knew him. He seemed drunk, cops said. He explained that his face was bloody because “I got what I deserved,” a remarkable bit of self-awareness. The apartment dwellers said they were sleeping when Mr. Bloody Face kicked in a door, kicked at and punched one of the dwellers in the nose, then threw a $100 bill at them for extra insult. He was out on bond for other offenses, and was arrested and jailed. Later, from jail, Mr. Bloody Face called the Planet and told his side of the story: he was outside a bar when a guy he knows came up behind him with a baseball bat and treated his noggin like a hanging curveball. While Mr. Bloody Face was unconscious, the batter stole about $1,500 in payday money from his pocket. Another friend, trying to help Mr. Bloody Face home, accidentally took him to the wrong apartment, which is how he ended up in a strange living room. He told the Planet he didn’t tell the cops this story ‘cause, a) he’s not a snitch and b) they never asked.
VEHICULAR DIPLOMACY: A backhoe and a parked Audi engaged in bi-lateral talks, but their dialogue ended only in a crushing conclusion. And, in even higher-level talks, a Galloping Goose bus and a Waste Management truck failed to see headlight to headlight, and smashed.

Feb. 24
FOR EAST-RACING ROOFS BELOW TREELINE, THE ROOFALANCE DANGER IS CONSIDERABLE: His neighbor had 2x4s and tar paper on his snowy roof. When it all slid, in a mini-roofalance, it landed smack onto his wife’s FourRunner, caving in the windshield and smashing the roof and hood.

Feb. 25
JAILED FOR YOUR PROTECTION: A sudsy ex-boyfriend excreted his nastiness over the phone to his ex-girlfriend. He violated Colorado law two ways: he had a protection order that prohibits him from drinking, and another from contacting his ex. Also, he was drunk at work, just for good measure.

San Miguel Sheriff’s Office

Feb. 18
WHEN THIS NEWS REACHED WORLD MARKETS, THE DOLLAR DROPPED AGAINST THE YUAN: America’s future as a world leader was seriously undermined when three of America’s young people — the future of this sprawling nation — skied out of bounds into Gold Hill, where death/avalanches/citations are highly probable. They were put in juvenile diversion.
SOME MALLS ARE BIG ENOUGH YOU COULD GET LOST THERE: Officer conducted search of Wrights Mesa for woman reported missing from Montrose County. Information collected led to a phone contact with the not-so-much-missing-as-shopping person.
BIOLOGY LESSON: You could tell their bodies were not fully formed because they were shortish and thinish — teenagers. You could tell their brains were not fully formed when they launched snowballs at passing cars.
IN DEER HEAVEN, THERE ARE SALT LICKS THE SIZE OF THE PENTAGON, GRASS FIELDS YOU CAN’T OVERGRAZE, AND IT’S ALWAYS TWILIGHT: Deputies sent a deer who had been hit by a car to that paradise.
PLUS, HER CARBON FOOTPRINT WAS HORRIBLE: A woman drove even though her license had already been yanked.

Feb. 19
ARREST: A 32-year-old Norwood man was arrested on an outstanding warrant for contributing to the delinquency of a minor and harassment.
DEAR SIR, AS THE SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF NIGERIA, I AM WRITING TO YOU TO TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE THE WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY OF BEING KILLED BY ME: A Norwood resident reported having received a death threat over the Internet, but cops decided the “threat” was a low-value “phishing” attempt.

Feb. 20
THE FAST AND THE SPURIOUS: Two cars reportedly raced on Norwood Hill, but the fuzz couldn’t find them.
LADIES, BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE COUNTY’S LEAST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR: In a burger joint in the west end of the county, a grease stain in the form of a dude ate three burgers and then walked off without paying for them or three packs of cigarettes. Cops say he already got warrants.
FENDER BENDER: Near Trout Lake, and at gas station. Also, a gas skip was just a misunderstanding.

Feb. 21
INVESTIGATION ENDS AT THE COUNTY JAIL: Detective techniques across two counties revealed the reason for all that vehicular weaving and lurching: the driver was drunk.
MAYBE YOUR FINGERS ARE TOO FAT: New phone purchase leads to misdial of 911.

Feb. 22
A CARAVAN OF STUPIDITY: Two unsafe, unregistered and uninsured vehicles were towing two additional unsafe, unregistered and uninsured vehicles on Lizard Head Pass during a snowstorm. All four vehicles were impounded and the two drivers were issued citations.
AND A MOTORCADE OF MORONITY: Along with lots o’ traffic infractions, a 56-year-old man was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol.

Feb. 23
FREESKIING? HARDLY: Several skiers reportedly ducked a rope and skied into Bear Creek, but the descriptions weren’t detailed enough for the sheriffs deputies to nab ‘em. That day, Telski took lift tickets or season passes from 10 skiers who ventured into Gold Hill 1. They’ve set a record this year for yanked passes, standing now at 42.

Feb. 24
THE BANK: A car came to rest in a snowbank, and it took a wrecker to dislodge it.
DUI: A Telluride man was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol after an accident.

Feb. 25
DUI: A Cortez man was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol.

Mountain Village Police Department

Feb. 18
LIFT-SERVED TERRAIN NOT MEANT FOR SLEDNECKS: A private snowmobile tore around the Telluride ski area runs — which Telski wasn’t too happy about.
STOLEN: Skis and a snowboard from The Beach.

Feb. 19
DOG AT LARGE: A dog running around found shelter in the shelter.

Feb. 20
LIKE THE LONG ISLAND EXPRESSWAY: A New York driver — apparently unaware that life moves slower here — drove 40 in a 30.
YOU’RE MISSING THE POINT: Somebody complained about a joint that was designed to be a rocking place — because it was too much of a rocking joint.
MY CAR’S GONE: A man thought his car got stolen — but it was just towed.

Feb. 21
MVPD TO THE RESCUE!: A 2-year-old was locked in a car. The toddler was jimmied out.

Feb. 22
THIEF IN THE AFTERNOON: Skis and a snowboard were stolen off the mountain.
IT TOLD THEM TO HEAD EAST OVER BLACK BEAR PASS: The fuzz assisted visitors in finding their way after Web-based directions led them astray.

Feb. 23
NEW FOX SHOW: ‘WHEN FURNITURE ATTACKS!’: The ambulance helped mend a 40-year-old female who was injured when an armoire fell on her.
SERIOUS TIP — BUY A CO DETECTOR: The snow that’s fallen has been wonderful for skiers, but has had at least one downside — the snow clogs up boiler vents, and carbon monoxide fills up rooms. It’s silent, odorless, and can kill. But in this case, the guest made it out of the condo sick … but alive.

Editor’s note: Cop Shop is compiled from police reports provided to the Daily Planet by the hard-working men and women at the local law enforcement agencies. The reports were edited, and some were re-written in a (supposedly) humorous manner by Planet reporter Reilly Capps. For space reasons, not every incident that appears in the police reports appears in Cop Shop. Capps can be reached at 728-9788 x 11 or reilly@telluridenews.com.