Telluride Marshal’s Department

Jan. 1
AND SO WE COME TO THE END: A gentleman with a criminal record as long as War and Peace added a short epilogue by skipping out on paying for his lunch.

Jan. 26
DAS IST NICHTS GUT: With some old fashioned police work, the Tride fuzz proved that a $10,000 road bike stolen from Lawson Hill had been sold on eBay by a Gunnison man with the online handle SturmAndDrang [sic]. Turns out, this  Germanophile had also verstohlen climbing equipment and a golf club from Telluride, zu.

Feb. 14
THERE’S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO TAKE A LIFE: Luxuriating off the good credit of a Telluride man, somebody bought a $2,700 plane ticket and $3,500 worth of stuff from a California motorcycle shop.

March 19
YOU BRATS! THE KIDS IN CHINA DON’T EVEN HAVE BICYCLES!: Lots of bikes were left abandoned at school.

March 20
I’M NOT YOUR FRIEND, PAL: At a bar, a guy he befriended took his debit card.

March 23
IF THEY HAD KNOWN WHAT TO DO WITH IT, WE’D BE WORRIED: two college-aged boys found a .357 Blackhawk in the road and didn’t know what to do with it. An adult turned it in to cops.

March 24
HE WENT SOBERLY ON HIS WAY: After failing a roadside, the man narrowly passed a breath test.

March 26
STRANGERS WITH CANDY: A man in a pickup offered to give a 7 year old boy a ride home. Understandably, this freaked out kid, mom and authorities alike.

March 27
THEY SHOULD HAVE CAGED THE MAN: That scuzz-brain who kept his malamute in the back of pickup truck for years — no water, little food, so tired and sore she could barely stand up — still had the dog in the truck bed after cops already warned him. Cops cited the man.

March 28
IT’S NEXT TO THE TUNNEL OF LOVE: Life-sized bumper cars on Aspen Street.

March 31
TOW COMPANY DOING A BRISK BUSINESS: When the driver couldn’t prove he owned the truck, cops took it away from him.

San Miguel
Sheriff’s Office

March 25
THAT’S NOT FUNNY: A Norwood resident reported finding an old, rusted handgun while hiking in the Paradox Valley.
TRAFFIC INCIDENT: I like small towns because cops give directions like this: “Go past the corner where Mr. Smith lives, take a right toward where we used to bonfire, and stop near where that cow kicked Suzy Jones in the head.”

March 26
NO NEW PARTICLES DISCOVERED — JUST PAIN: Skier showed their enthusiasm for CERN’s Large Hadron Collider by colliding at high speed at the base of Lift 14.

March 27
BEST JOB IN THE WORLD FOR A DOG: Cops brought out their friendly neighborhood drug dog, and arrested a Cortez man for cocaine.

March 28
DONUTS, ANYONE?: Car tire tracks found in the infield at the Norwood Fairgrounds.

Mountain Village

March 27
THAT’S WHY WE HAVE 912: Kid playing with the phone calls 911 and hangs up. Cops tell them about the legal implications of phoning wolf.
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD: No speeders, no drunks, no reckless drivers, no one spinning donuts on the golf greens.

March 29
THIS IS NOT ‘NAM, THERE ARE RULES: A gondola rider is scolded for drinking a beer, and cops make him dump it out.

March 30
I SAID TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER: Some guy was yelling at the poor Dial-a-Ride driver, pounded on the van and then absconded by the time cops showed up.
MAYBE THEY WERE VISITING THE GIRLS’ CAMP AFTER LIGHTS-OUT: Cops found skis and boots “where they should not have been.”

Editor’s note: Cop Shop is compiled from police reports provided to the Daily Planet by the hard-working men and women at the local law enforcement agencies. The reports were edited, and some were re-written in a (supposedly) humorous manner by Planet reporters Reilly Capps and Patrick Healy. For space reasons, not every incident that appears in the police reports appears in Cop Shop. Capps can be reached at 728-9788 x 11 or reilly@telluridenews.com.