Telluride Marshal’s Department

Dec. 17
SHOCKING: Defibrillator found.

Jan. 1
CASHMERE: Stolen.

Jan. 2
COUNTERFEIT: Fake $10 bill taken by restaurant unsure who passed it.

Jan. 6
BARF: A creepy ex texted her to the point that she felt “sick to my stomach.”

Jan. 7
LOU DOBBS IS ON THE CASE: Man loses cell phone, and someone uses it to send $300 worth of text messages to Mexico.

Jan. 17
DRINK SPECIALS AND ALL: A sandwich board sign was stolen from in front of a bar.

Jan. 18
THE Y0UTH OF AMERICA: A high school kid backed into a car and didn’t stop.
AN OBJECT IN MOTION TENDS TO DENT OBJECTS NOT IN MOTION: Car vs. parked car.

Jan. 19
TRAFFIC ACCIDENT: No one hurt.
COUNTERFEIT: To buy a couple of newspapers, a man used a $20 bill that was the same color, but thinner and crookeder than a regular bill.

Jan. 20
COUNTERFEIT: A similar bill — only worth $50 — was passed off at a grocery store. And in December, turns out some renters passed off $100 bills to their landlord.
ON PURPOSE?: Driver’s side mirror destroyed.

Jan. 22
CONQUEST — AND FAILURE: eBay is a wonderful source for phones. It’s fun when you win, but less fun when you lose your stuff.

Jan. 23
BUMMER: Wanted on drug charges, the man turned himself in.
I NEED MY CHAMPAGNE: At a bar, some turkeyspank tried to steal sparkling wine. The bartender took it back. The failed wine thief swung at the bartender, missed, then connected with a punch to the face. Cops chased down the wino and charged him with third degree assault.

Jan. 25
DUI: The man had two years of college, which is not enough education, apparently, to know not to drive drunk. And he thinks the alphabet goes “x, y, n, z.”
WARRANT: Man arrested. He told cops he didn’t know there was marijuana in his pocket, but there was.
DUI: The cop asked the man if he knew why he’d been stopped. “I didn’t know,” said Captain Grammar. Been drinking? cops asked. “I’ve had a bit, I’m coming from work,” said Mr. Model Employee. He was very cooperative with cops, and very much breaking the law.

Jan. 27
A SENSE OF WHO YOU ARE: ID lost. But not her identity.
SNOWBOARD: Stolen.

Jan. 29
UN BESO DE SUDAMERICA: Sign stolen from other bar, possibly by this one group of out of towners who always come in the bar, smoke, argue, and steal things.

San Miguel Sheriff’s Office

Jan. 21
YOU’LL REALIZE SOON THAT YOU LOVE ME: A stalker unnerved a woman.

Jan. 22
HONOR THY FATHER: A father and son bonded while stuck in a snow drift.
COUNTERFEIT: A fifty at a gas station, a fifty at a bank, a twenty at a market. All fake. The bad karma spreads everywhere.

Jan. 23
NO BEAT DOWN: A dispute turned out to be verbal, not physical.

Jan. 24
STUCK IN A SNOWDRIFT: A driver assumed his minivan had the capabilities of a snowmobile. Wrong!

Jan. 25
DUI: A man drove drunk. And with a broken headlamp. Cops can forgive the headlamp, but not the drink.

Jan. 26
VENISON: An elk ran into a car, causing nearly $1,000 in damage. Poor driver. All that money. All those dents. The elk was fine. He merely died.

Mountain Village Police Department

Jan. 18
CATCH-22: If the keys were stolen from a residence, how’d the thief get in to the residence to steal them in the first place?
ASSAULT: Implicit in that charge, in the first three letters, is the type of person who commits it.

Jan. 19
DON’T GO CHASING WATERFALLS: After a sprinkler head blew off, water ran down five flights of stairs.
ANOTHER DAY ON MV BLVD: Weaving, headlights out, and a driver going 5 mph in a 25 mph zone.

Jan. 21
ANOTHER SMALL VICTORY FOR FEMINISM: Man worried about wife. Cops call wife. Wife not worried about self.
SELF-TIPPER: As he left his job, an employee took a little something out of the cash register.

Jan. 23
MISDEMEANOR HAIKU:
The rear lights signal
turns and brakes. But not this car.
Its rear lights were out.
POLICE ARE LIKE YOUR DAD: The fuzz heard a loud party and warned them to turn the music down — “for the first and last time.”
FALSE ALARM: Cops probably have an office pool as to when the Village will have an alarm that isn’t false. The smart money is riding on the year 2075.
IN A TRULY FREE SOCIETY, THIS WOULD NOT BE A CRIME: Two people seen “smoking drugs.”

Jan. 25
VILLAGE RESIDENTS PROTECTED FROM GRAVITY AND WATER: Falling icicles set off a burglar alarm.

Jan. 26
FALSE ALARM: Possible slogan for ADT home security services: “Protecting you from imaginary bad guys since 1962.”

Jan. 27
WAS JOHNNY KNOXVILLE IN TOWN?: Unknown peeps turned over a porta potty.
SCARY SITUATION: An 18-year-old male wasn’t breathing. EMTs put him on oxygen and whisked him to get help.
POEM ON PARANOIA:
Wiring your house with
sensors and buzzers,
just brings you bouts with
phone calls and fuzz

… er …

… that’s how it seems from
this week’s cop reports.
Chill! Leave the door open!
Relax! Don’t build forts!

Editor’s note: Cop Shop is compiled from police reports provided to the Daily Planet by the hard-working men and women at the local law enforcement agencies. The reports were edited, and some were re-written in a (supposedly) humorous manner by Planet reporter Reilly Capps. For space reasons, not every incident that appears in the police reports appears in Cop Shop. Capps can be reached at 728-9788 x 11 or reilly@telluridenews.com.