Telluride Marshal’s Department

Nov. 15
SUI — SHOPLIFTING UNDER THE INFLUENCE: Two women from out of town apparently went on a small shoplifting spree, clumsily and drunkenly stealing random objects.

Dec. 16
ICE ON ICE: A woman’s gold ring, with a ruby and 12 small diamonds in it, was found at the hockey rink. Owner unknown.

Dec. 23
IN COLLEGE, THE NIGHT BUS WAS CALLED THE ‘VOMIT COMET’: A woman on too familiar terms with John Barleycorn was screaming and crying on the bus. She was given a place to stay and sober up.
DELUSIONS: Despite his protests that the bartender “still wanted him,” everyone else said he was a Grade-A jerk. Also, his buddy was underage. Also, he had a ganja pipe on him. Citations all around.

Dec. 29
DUI: A 19-year-old admitted to downing Jack and Coke before climbing in his car. Jail was his next stop, on charges of driving under the influence of alcohol.

Dec. 30
UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT OF ‘EX’: A woman’s ex-boyfriend heard her converse telephonically with another man. He grabbed her phone and threw it in a snow bank, then pushed her out the door into the cold without her coat or purse.

Dec. 31
NO EXCEPTIONS: Despite all the loud, bright indications to the contrary, fireworks are illegal every day, the fuzz told a dude, even New Year’s Eve.
BIKE STOLEN: It was stored in parking garage. Not anymore.

Jan. 1
STARTING THE YEAR OFF WITH A LITTLE RACISM: Fueled by beer and a hatred of minorities, a man made wild claims about being robbed at knifepoint. Everyone else in the bar said that there was no knife and no robbery, and that he was the one who started fights.
DUI: One night after getting in trouble for driving without a license, a woman drove drunk and without a license. Arrest followed.

Jan. 4
DUI: A man parked in a handicapped spot tried to drunkenly drive away. Cops housed him in the hoosegow for the night on charges of driving under the influence of alcohol.

Jan. 6
WALLET: Lost and then found, not stolen.

Jan. 7
CDS, CLOTHES, AND BOOKS ARE ALL IT REALLY TAKES TO GET BY: A transient’s duffle bag was found. The transient was somewhere else.

San Miguel Sheriff’s Office

Dec. 31
DUI: Hours before the New Year’s Eve parties, when so many biscuit-headed decisions would be made, deputies observed a set of tracks going off the highway and into the embankment. The driver attempted to drive back onto the highway and pull away. He was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol.
AN EXPLOSIVE SITUATION: Suspicious people were hanging around an Encana oil rig, and the reporting party was worried that the people were drunk and had a firearm. But the people told cops their vehicle had slid off the road and may have struck a pipeline. After arriving on scene the pipeline was inspected by a supervisor and everything was OK.
DUI: A 22-year-old man was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol.

Jan. 1
PAGING DR. PHIL: A deputy talked to a person having relationship problems.
THE PRICE OF FAME: Officer contacted two persons parked off the public roadway in a sensitive area of the airport approach pattern. These people were paparazzi for “Fame” and “Insight News & Features, Inc.” They were cautioned not to impede traffic, and a search of the vehicle revealed digital camera equipment. Had the cops searched their souls and consciences, they likely would have found a gaping chasm where heart, compassion, and humanity ought to be.

Jan. 2
ROPE DUCKERS: Two skiers were cited for reckless endangerment after they ducked a rope and skied on a permanently closed (for good reason) slope on Gold Hill One. One skier set off an avalanche and slid 200 feet over a cliff.  All parties were located (miraculously) uninjured. The skiers were from some other state.

Jan. 3
THE DRUGS DON’T WORK: A 31-year-old woman was arrested for possessing drug paraphernalia.
ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION LEADS TO SHRUNKEN BRAIN CELLS: A 44-year-old woman was arrested for intimidating a witness, third degree assault, and driving under the influence of alcohol.

Jan. 4
A SOBERING EXPERIENCE: A man showed up to do his jail time slightly drunk.

Editor’s note: Cop Shop is compiled from police reports provided to the Daily Planet by the hard-working men and women at the local law enforcement agencies. The reports were edited, and some were re-written in a (supposedly) humorous manner by Planet reporter Reilly Capps. For space reasons, not every incident that appears in the police reports appears in Cop Shop. Capps can be reached at 728-9788 x 11 or reilly@telluridenews.com.